I can honestly say that had I not gone through what I have experienced with the premature births and deaths of my triplet daughters, I don't know what I would have said to grieving parents. Fair enough. Some people just don't know what to say and I get that, but some people are just downright hurtful. Not to be negative or anything, but that's what I would like to focus on today because if you have had something like this happen to you then you will probably relate.
But first, I want to share this .... after returning home to my small community of about 20,000 people in late 1986, I was definitely not looking forward to my 'firsts". First time to the grocery store, to work, to the school and of course seeing friends. It was tough, but I did manage to get through it.
Two people, in particular, stand out to me in those early days for their real compassion and kindness. One friend, who was actually more of an acquaintance than a friend, stopped me on the street one day and asked me how I was doing. So I gave her the typical answer, I'm fine blah, blah, trying to avoid having to say the obvious. She took a step forward and nicely took my arm and looked me really close in the eyes and said, no, I mean how are you really doing, placing emphasis on her words. This allowed me to open up to her in a way I would not have ever felt comfortable to do otherwise. She listened to me as I talked, and honestly, that's what I needed at that moment was a good listener. I needed to tell my story and all I needed was someone to listen.
Equally as important to me is a colleague from work who shared with me that because she is a twin that she wished it was her that had multiples. It was her openness and honesty about how she felt towards my triplet pregnancy and her admiration for me, even though she wished it was her, that made it so genuine. I have always adored these two women for their abilities to express themselves to me, yet in very different ways. Their sincerity has meant the world to me.
On the other hand, several years after our daughters passed, close friends of ours gave birth to a daughter. I was excited to learn that the middle name of their daughter was the same as one of our daughters. When I asked my friends if they were paying tribute to our daughter in that way their response could not have shocked me more. They said that it was a name they liked and that we had used too many names. That hurt.
Naturally, not everyone I've come across has been insensitive; however, many years later I was visiting The Compassionate Friends Brevity Memorial site. It was Mother's Day and I make a point of going there each year on that day. The site is across the city from where I live so it's out of my 'hood, so to speak. After leaving, a friend of mine and I happened to be stopped at the same red light. She yelled across to me to ask why I was in this part of the city. I motioned that I was visiting my girls at the Brevity site (she is very familiar with the Brevity). The light changed colour and we both went out separate ways. Later that evening, I had a phone call from this same friend and she said something to me that really appalled me. She asked me when I was ever going to just let my girls rest in peace. She felt that by me going there and visiting them that I was not allowing them the rest that they deserved.
In my book, I write about my unresolved grief and this was definitely during the time when I was struggling with my unresolved grief. But, does that make it right for her to tell me that I was not letting my daughters rest in peace? Oh, the guilt I felt still brings tears to my eyes even today. I dedicated a chapter in my book to Mother's Day as this has always been a difficult day for me with so much conflict on how I have felt, but the one thing that does bring me peace on Mother's Day is to know that I can spend it with all of my children in some way, and if that means spending a few minutes at The Compassionate Friends Brevity Memorial then that is what I will continue to do. As a matter of fact, my sons would expect nothing else from me, they know this is what I do and at times have joined me because they love their sisters too.
Processing grief can be so difficult, and regardless of what others have said to me, I carry the belief that there is no time limit on grief. I do, however, believe that the heart can heal from the intense pain. Using the same analogy from my book, it is similar to cresting waves in the ocean where some are more manageable than others. As a grieving parent, how do you process your grief? What would be the best way for others to help you? Do you know yet, or is it still too confusing? Are you able to express it to them?
I honestly do believe that people want to help, so when you're ready let them do it, the right way for you.
From my heart to yours,
be kind to yourself
Pick up your copy of An Angel Walks Beside Me on Amazon at http://ow.ly/QHtJ301DGyz
Follow Me on Twitter @ysocialmediaca
Sherry Author | An Angel Walks Beside Me
But first, I want to share this .... after returning home to my small community of about 20,000 people in late 1986, I was definitely not looking forward to my 'firsts". First time to the grocery store, to work, to the school and of course seeing friends. It was tough, but I did manage to get through it.
Two people, in particular, stand out to me in those early days for their real compassion and kindness. One friend, who was actually more of an acquaintance than a friend, stopped me on the street one day and asked me how I was doing. So I gave her the typical answer, I'm fine blah, blah, trying to avoid having to say the obvious. She took a step forward and nicely took my arm and looked me really close in the eyes and said, no, I mean how are you really doing, placing emphasis on her words. This allowed me to open up to her in a way I would not have ever felt comfortable to do otherwise. She listened to me as I talked, and honestly, that's what I needed at that moment was a good listener. I needed to tell my story and all I needed was someone to listen.
Equally as important to me is a colleague from work who shared with me that because she is a twin that she wished it was her that had multiples. It was her openness and honesty about how she felt towards my triplet pregnancy and her admiration for me, even though she wished it was her, that made it so genuine. I have always adored these two women for their abilities to express themselves to me, yet in very different ways. Their sincerity has meant the world to me.
On the other hand, several years after our daughters passed, close friends of ours gave birth to a daughter. I was excited to learn that the middle name of their daughter was the same as one of our daughters. When I asked my friends if they were paying tribute to our daughter in that way their response could not have shocked me more. They said that it was a name they liked and that we had used too many names. That hurt.
Naturally, not everyone I've come across has been insensitive; however, many years later I was visiting The Compassionate Friends Brevity Memorial site. It was Mother's Day and I make a point of going there each year on that day. The site is across the city from where I live so it's out of my 'hood, so to speak. After leaving, a friend of mine and I happened to be stopped at the same red light. She yelled across to me to ask why I was in this part of the city. I motioned that I was visiting my girls at the Brevity site (she is very familiar with the Brevity). The light changed colour and we both went out separate ways. Later that evening, I had a phone call from this same friend and she said something to me that really appalled me. She asked me when I was ever going to just let my girls rest in peace. She felt that by me going there and visiting them that I was not allowing them the rest that they deserved.
In my book, I write about my unresolved grief and this was definitely during the time when I was struggling with my unresolved grief. But, does that make it right for her to tell me that I was not letting my daughters rest in peace? Oh, the guilt I felt still brings tears to my eyes even today. I dedicated a chapter in my book to Mother's Day as this has always been a difficult day for me with so much conflict on how I have felt, but the one thing that does bring me peace on Mother's Day is to know that I can spend it with all of my children in some way, and if that means spending a few minutes at The Compassionate Friends Brevity Memorial then that is what I will continue to do. As a matter of fact, my sons would expect nothing else from me, they know this is what I do and at times have joined me because they love their sisters too.
 |
| The Compassionate Friends Memorial Site |
Processing grief can be so difficult, and regardless of what others have said to me, I carry the belief that there is no time limit on grief. I do, however, believe that the heart can heal from the intense pain. Using the same analogy from my book, it is similar to cresting waves in the ocean where some are more manageable than others. As a grieving parent, how do you process your grief? What would be the best way for others to help you? Do you know yet, or is it still too confusing? Are you able to express it to them?
I honestly do believe that people want to help, so when you're ready let them do it, the right way for you.
From my heart to yours,
be kind to yourself
Pick up your copy of An Angel Walks Beside Me on Amazon at http://ow.ly/QHtJ301DGyz
Follow Me on Twitter @ysocialmediaca
Sherry Author | An Angel Walks Beside Me
if you enjoyed this post, please show your love by hitting a social share button below
~ sharing is caring ~
